How to Litigate Thanksgiving
By: Alexander Brock
For those of us with robust, non-legal extended families, going home for the holidays can be a strange experience. Your aunt may approach you with some obscure legal question about municipal towing zones. Your 14 year-old cousin will probably call you a nerd and then stare with wide-eyed fear at your monstrous casebooks. Undoubtedly, some curious relative will ask you to explain Citizens United, but then immediately lose interest as soon as you get into the nitty gritty. You will, for some reason, be asked about Antonin Scalia.
But as soon as that turkey (or tofurkey or whatever your family may enjoy) comes gleaming out of the oven in all its aromatic glory, the family’s brief flirtation with intellectual discourse abruptly comes to an end and continues to decline as stomachs become fuller. For the mind of the law student, conditioned to cunningly take advantage of such lethargy, the evening has just begun. Now that everyone has their guard down, it’s time for you to litigate Thanksgiving.
Football or Holiday Movie Marathon?
Picture a living room full of family members crammed onto couches and armchairs and a floor adorned with a row of kids. Now, picture them all wearing black robes and stern faces. It is the time for oral arguments to begin. Remember your training: Deliver your strongest talking points first, stick to your core argument, and concede minor counterpoints that don’t make or break your case. Sure, technically we could watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles any day of the year, but it is a movie about overcoming differences and coming together… on Thanksgiving! Football is on every week for more than half of the year. Offer a compromise: In A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, there’s always the scene where Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown. It’s a win-win!
Cranberry Sauce: Canned or Homemade?
Everyone knows, deep in their heart, that there is only one true answer to the age-old Thanksgiving dinner debate. Yet, somehow, families are routinely torn apart over which cranberry sauce reigns supreme. Now is the time to reach deep into your mental bag of doctrinal theory. Cost-benefit analysis? Score one for the crap in a can. The burden of proof shifts to the lumpy, homemade proponents. Now that you have your family confused and bewildered with your legal jargon (explain to them that the argument is clearly dictated by res ipsa loquitor) load up your plate with the good stuff and claim qualified immunity.
Family Time vs. Study Time
Thanksgiving might feel like a much-welcomed break from schoolwork — but we all know this tempting misconception is nothing but a ruse. Finals loom on the horizon and it takes a lot of willpower to mentally put your stress aside for some quality family time. However, at some point, it’s time to roll your bloated body off the couch and get down to business. Ideally, it would be best to stick to a preordained schedule. Work on some outlines in the morning before family arrives, find some alone time again just before dinner, and try to make sure you have a casebook open when you eventually succumb to a tryptophan-induced coma later in the night. It is scientifically proven that your brain will absorb the information if your face is smushed flat against the pages as you sleep.
Who gets the Treasured Thanksgiving Leftovers?
At this point, all bets are off. Nothing in your legal training can prepare you for the moment when the relatives gradually disperse and leftovers are doled out. Relatives keen on savoring the remaining dark meat, pumpkin pie, or roasted Brussels sprouts will not respond to reason. For a hungry law student, a fridge-full of Thanksgiving leftovers could prove an invaluable treasure for the cold days and weeks to come. Speed is the name of the game. If you can summon the strength within yourself to overcome your blissful, post-meal exhaustion to fill up a few containers of Tupperware, you will be brimming with self-congratulation once Monday rears its ugly head.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
