A Dean Grows in Brooklyn
The Roast of the Dean of the Finest Law School in Brooklyn
“It may not be satisfying, and I’ll be thinking about Hugh Jackman the whole time” are not the first words you expect to hear out of the mouth of your law school’s Dean’s wife, but that was the night we were in for; students, faculty, and innocent bystanders alike. Between quips about her tennis shorts, jogging bras, and a very “strategically” placed blackberry keyboard in her bikini (on vibrate), Marla (yes, Marla, like Beyonce, or Prince) did not disappoint.
After a brief introduction from the stunning and elegant Charisma L. Miller of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle and BK Live, and some inspiring words from Matthew Schwarzfeld of Urban Assembly School for Law and Justice (*just a few doors down on Adams Street*), it was off to the roasting.
Besides her public sexually explicit declarations, Marla was full of sage advice (the bigger the diamond, the shorter the marriage), reassurance (the definition of a genius is a C student with a Jewish grandmother), and inspiration (to become a peace maker, become a freedom fighter… just don’t say that in Russia). And before Marla could leave the podium, with the parting words “you only roast the ones you love,” she left us with the recurring theme of the evening: Dean Allard is Mr. Chutzpah.
Who best to reinforce that notion than Marty Markowitz, former Brooklyn Borough President, and friend of Dean Allard for over 40 years. After a lesson in “the Kings english, Kings county” as only the self-proclaimed Brooklyn champion could (you say forget about it, I say…), Mr. Markowitz quickly anointed the Dean as a member of the tribe, equipping him with not one but two “official” yamulkahs. He talked about his and the Dean’s upbringing in Brooklyn, the Dean’s time in the Ivy League, his years as a Washington lobbyist, and finally back to Brooklyn as the Dean of Brooklyn Law School.
“If the Holy Land is Brooklyn, USA, then Dean Allard is the ultimate wandering Jew.”
Stephen Trachtenberg, the former president of George Washington University (and fellow Brooklyn native) was up next. Mr. Trachtenberg was quick to point out the Dean’s linguistic flaws (he thinks the “K” in “Knish” is silent, all I ever hear is “let’s get a ‘nish”), as well as his charisma, particularly in the Dean’s recent trip to Russia.
“Dean Allard’s main reason for his trip to Russia? Trying to convince Putin that Little Odessa is not in the Ukraine.”
Of course the night was not without a few crickets. Former Princeton pal Andy Cowherd remarked “Allard was a stand-out student, they always made him stand out in the hall.”
And then there was former Judge, current BLS professor, and senior Fox News political correspondent Andrew Napolitano, who explained his two very different bosses, one a tyrannical, selfish lunatic, and the other, Rupert Murdoch.
But the roaster of the highest honor went to Nate Allard, the dean’s son.
With the emphatic opening: “Nick Allard puts the BS in BLS”, there was a wonderful sense of redemption, as if this was a long, long time coming (it certainly helps that Nate was a stand-up comedian prior to attending law school himself). He flawlessly compared the Dean’s lauded reduction in tuition plan to his own personal failures in weight-loss (do you really think a 15% reduction will make any difference?, Nick doesn’t trust numbers), before concluding with a gut-wrenching comparison between his father and his newborn children (both spend most of their day looking at the mirror and babbling).
While it was quite easy (or seemingly so) to poke fun at the Dean, it’s certainly not hard to get swept up in his accomplishments, and most inspiring, his emphatic dedication to Brooklyn Law School. This is somebody who literary puts himself on the line (and on the face of a turkey) to help the institutions and causes that he cares most about. And while all Dean Allard could muster at the end was an exhausted “I am both deeply touched, and deeply disturbed”, it was NYC district attorney Peter Kougasian who perhaps said it best:
“Law school is in a crisis, but a crisis needs more Dean Allards.
Daniel Chertok is the co-EIC @BLSAdvocate.
