Archive for "big law"
Notions to Dismiss: Only In Dreams
I’d like to offer up a belated Congratulations! to everyone who just passed the bar exam. We can only hope this is one big, necessary step on the long road to gainful employment for all of you. It’s amazing how much has changed in such a short period of time with respect to the job market, and particularly how few people are getting offers before graduation. Some of the smartest, most dedicated, and competent people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing are still looking for work. And that just seems crazy to me.
As usual, this got me thinking one night – which anyone who’s ever read any of my work knows is dangerous – about what things might be like under different circumstances. But it was starting to get late and I had a busy day coming up, so I decided to call it a night.
I was torn from my blissful slumber the next morning around 11am by the sound of my phone ringing. A bit peeved, I checked to see who was calling and recognized the generic number for White & Case. That really got me annoyed. By this point, I must have told at least five of their senior partners that I don’t take phone calls before noon. Look, I know you guys want me to work for you and all, but come on, is this really so hard to understand? I ignored the call and went back to bed, wondering whether I could get a round of golf with their hiring partner out of this if I sounded really annoyed when I called back. I’ve always wanted to play the course at Baltusrol anyway.
I finally got up around 12:30. Missed my morning class, but who really gives a crap at this point? With five jobs available for every two graduating law students, it’s pretty tough to get motivated for New York Civil Practice at nine in the morning. Eventually I got myself together and left my apartment in time to make my two o’clock class. I was about to head toward the F train when I saw a black Towncar parked outside my house. Then I remembered that Skadden had offered me a car service for the rest of the year, no strings attached. It was a nice gesture on their part, but if they think I can be bought for that cheap, they’ve got another think coming.
I walked over to the car and the driver, a solemn-looking fellow named Winston, opened the door for me. He mentioned that he had been waiting there since 8:30am and that, after three hours, he called Skadden to ask if he could leave. Apparently they told him that if he left without me, he could feel free to find himself a new career, because he would never drive in this town again. They don’t mess around over there. I apologized to Winston for the wait, telling him that I had forgotten about the offer. I would feel bad, but I know he’s getting paid like triple overtime right now, and, over at Skadden, they’re using ten-thousand dollar bearer bonds to light their hand-rolled Cuban cigars. Cry me a freakin’ river.
I sat through half of Evidence, but decided to leave at the break. I don’t even know why I bother to go at all anymore. It’s not like I still pay attention. I spent the first hour looking online at Patek Philippe watches and apartments on the Upper East Side. So sick of living like I’m one of the 99%. I decided to go to the gym after class, but didn’t feel like walking the block and a half to Equinox. Lucky for me, Winston was waiting patiently right out front of school. So, I jumped in the car and lived it up for the 55 seconds that it took to get there. A guy could really get used to this. After an intense session with my new personal trainer Denise – all paid for by the generous folks at Sullivan & Cromwell – I thought I’d indulge in that wonderful apricot body scrub they have in the showers there. That stuff will change your life.
Left the gym, jumped back into the Towncar and cruised home down 3rd Ave in style. Upon arriving, I riffled through the mail and found a handwritten letter from Tom Perez, the head of the DoJ’s Civil Rights Division, asking me to come work for him. That was nice because I was running a little low on toilet paper. As if I’d ever lift a finger to help out those liberal weenies in Washington. Please…
Having then been awake for six full hours, I started feeling a little tired. It had been a long, stressful day after all. So, I decided to take a nap.
I woke up realizing I had just spent the night in an alternate universe. And what a universe it was! For a minute, I couldn’t get over how great it all seemed, to have everything handed to you like that. But, then again, maybe it wouldn’t be so ideal, right? There’s no denying that you always enjoy things more when you have to work hard to achieve them. I’d like to know that, one day, when I do get a job, I’ve earned it. And after all, if there’s one thing that everyone at BLS knows: “It’s supposed to be hard.”
- Mike Berman is a certified mixologist and a graduate of the Baltimore Bartending School. He can be booked seven days a week to help make your next wedding, birthday party, or bar mitzvah an unforgettable affair.